different

so as i am about to head off to college (4 days), everyone keeps asking me the same question: are you excited? and i don't know quite how to respond. i am excited, but not as excited as i thought that i would be. i have been wanting to move out and experience living on my own for some time now. and i'm still looking forward to that, but not with the urgency that i used to feel. and i am really excited to meet new people. but i'm dreading having to say good bye to the people that i already know. i have been able to start (or deepen) so many relationships with people over the last year or two, and i am going to desperately miss seeing them regularly. i feel like that one feeling is holding me back from feeling the way i thought that i would right now. so i don't really know the point of this post. i guess i was just bored. 

confused

do you ever wonder if you use your fears to rationalize a decision because it is what you want, rather than just surrendering it to God? but i also think that sometimes we have certains fears, or the very least anxiaties, that are put in our hearts by God to help guide us. so how do you tell which is which? now i realize that the answer to that is that you pray about it. however i seem to like to cling to the feeling that i am completely responsible for every decision. and even though i pray about it and i tuely want God's imput/guidence/ability to take control when i am stupid and can only see what is directly infront of my face, rather than what is in the future, i still seem to be grasping for control. i will feel overwhelmed by a decision, but i some times think that it is supposed to be that way. if it is a big decision, isn't it natural to freak out over it? but i know that i don't need to. there is a verse in philipians that says not to worry about anything, but to pray about everything. God has promised me a peace beyond my understanding if i can just manage to let go and let Him take control. and that feeling that i should be freaking out is completely something of the world because it is directly contradicted in the word. i know this, but i still see, rather incapeable of relinquishing the ever sought after control. so basically, i don't know how people put up with me when i seem to thuroughly frustrate myself. i do have the amazing ability to be completely irrational. by the way, this is totally just me ranting. if you read this and are now as confused as i am, i apologize. actually, if you read this at all, i apologize. now if you are one of those people who lets their gaze wander down the page and randomly picks out words, and happen to see enough to know that you don't need to read this, i congratulate you on saving time. and at this point, i am rambling and should probably shut up now.

shhhh...

why does it seem so hard to listen sometimes? i can try to be quiet and hear God's voice, but my own thoughts are screaming too loudly. it gets rather annoying.

costa rica

i just got home from costa rica and i am now ready to go back. it may very well be the most beautiful place in the world. every morning the clouds are beautiful and low, so they come down and cover the tops of the mountains that are absolutly everywhere that you look. it is... breath taking. and the culture is amazing. i loved it. there is such a sense of community there. it's sad, because you can see a giant hole that is waiting for God to fill it in the culture, but it is still beautiful.

i'm not going to tell about everything that we did right now, because it would take forever and i'm sure you would stop reading about a third of the way through. if you want to hear details, i would love to hang out with you and tell stories. just be warned that i may not shut up. :)

there are a couple of thing that i want to write about, though. both are more things that i learned that stories. i learned a lot about how faithfull God is just throught the entire process of this trip. it started and winter camp when diego (the missionary that we worked with) was the speaker. he told a lot about his life. to sum it up, God would tell him to go somewhere and he would go, trusting that God would provide the means of getting there. well, God told me to go to costa rica. but i was freaking out about getting enough money to pay for it. despite that, i said yes. my parents paid the deposit, and God used sponsors to provude more money than i was required to raise. it was awesome and an encouraging way to start the trip. He was also faithful when i had to give my testimony. i had been thinking about it and had a general idea of what God wanted me to say. the problem was that when i tried to write it out, it took up three pages of me rambling, and when i tried to go through it in my head, i couldn't seem to form coherent sentences. so when aaron told me that i was going to give my testimony the first time, my stomach natrurally tied its seld into knots and i was sort of freaking out. so i got up there with out knowing what i was going to say and some how spoke without stumbling and rambling. clearly, they weren't my own words because i didn't have any. He provided people for the kid's camps and youth services when we thought that no one would come. He also gave me comfort and support through His word when i needed it. God was so faithfull on this trip, and it was really encouraging for me. i've been freaking out a little since i'm about to go to college. i'm so afraid that i will lose faith when i'm there. but God showed me through this trip that He will be faithfull.

i also learned a lot about encouragement. it was awesome to go and lend support to the local churches and programs that are in the guanecate area right now. we were in charge of the sunday service and a local church the first sunday that we were there, and the pastor started to thank us for what we were doing. He said that in their culture, it is so rare to see teenagers who truely love God and wish to serve Him. the pastor also said that it gave him hope that the youth in that community can come to love God as well. two guys who were Christians and came to the youth camp we held also got up the last day and said that it was encouraging and refreshing for them to have that time immersed in God and seeing us share our faith. that was really exciting. but that wasn't all. we were encouraged by them. at the church that i mentioned earlier in this paragraph, i got to help with the sunday school for little kids. the woman that usually do it were there with us to help out. they didn't speak any english and i don't speak any spanish, but every now and then, while the kids were decorating hearts, we would glance at each other and they would give me the most welcoming smile. it was clear that they really cared about me and appreciated that i was there, even though they didn't know me. we also got to help out at a youth group and were greatly encouraged by some of the guys there. there were two guys in their band who spoke english and were just really friendly. there was another guy who seemed to take charge a lot who didn't speak english, but clearly was in love with God. it was great to see these guys reach out to a community where it is frowned upon to live out your faith. the intire trip was like that. wether is was a smile, a conversation, or just some one's laugh, we were constantly being encouraged.

it basically was an amazing trip and i would love to tell more stories if you want to hear them. so call me or e-mail me or something.

*epiphany*

so i have been thinking a bit about college recently, probably because i have orientation the next two days, and this is what i came up with:

i'm scared.

i'm not scared that i won't make friends or fit in or anything like that. those things only make me nervouse, but not scared.

i think that i'm primarily afraid of two things. the first being that i will fall away from God. i've seen it happen to so many people and i've seen how it affects the people around them. i'm at a point right now where i'm realizing how much i need God. and it's not for any particular thing. i just need Him with me all of the time. and i love that! i love the feeling of having my God with me all of the time and the comfot that i get just from knowing that He is there. so i don't want to lose that feeling. i want to hold onto it as long as i can.

but the main thing that i'm afraid of is that it's going to hurt. that is an awkward statement, i realize, so let me explain. i have always desired sympathy and empathy. it's something that i've always seemed to want, even when i was little. it is also something that i have prayed that God blesses me with, and He has, even though i often times lose sight of it. i can understand what paul was talking about in 2 corinthians 11:9 when he says, "Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?" when i see people who are hurting or engulfed is sin, or just far away from God, it breaks my heart.

i've been pretty sheltered through out college. if you know me, you probably won't argue with that. i'm aware of some of the crap that went on in high school, but i wasn't surrounded by it very much. actually, a lot of my friends are chirstians. but i'm not going to have my little protective bubble in college. i'm going to see all of the ways that people try to fill the void that only God can, and i know that it will break my heart. so i'm afraid that my heart will hurt all of the time and that i will lose sight of God's goodness and the joy that He gives me.

now for the epiphany part. during the bible study today we were going through the first part of ephisians schapter 3. verse 7 says, "I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power." paul also talked a lot about his sufferings for Christ in this passage. so maybe this is my suffering for Christ: that i feel other's pain. i serve Him by truely caring for others. but it is by the gift of His grace that i can do this, and i serve His gospel, the news that Christ has won the battle. so yes, emotionally it will be painful. but if i rejoice that i am counted worthy to suffer, then it's all worth it. so i don't really need to be afraid.

i'm not sure if that actually explained anything or made sense. i guess what i mean it that i will welcome having my heart break for others, and that i will do it with joy, because my God is a wonderfull, good, big, paradoxical God. and hopefully i will be able to look back and read this during the year so that i won't lose sight of this. well, actually, it will most likely be so that i can remind myself when i do inevitably lose sight of this.

really good song

"God Of This City - Chris Tomlin" Lyrics

You're the God of this city
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You Are

For there is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things are still to come
And greater things are still to be done here

You're the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You're the King above all Kings
You Are
You're the strength in our weakness
You're the love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness
You Are

Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be doneI
n this city
Where glory shines from hearts alive
With praise for you and love for you
In this city

Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things are still to come
And greater things are still to be done

contradictions

do i contradict myself?
very well then, i contradict myself.
i am large.
i contain multitudes.
-walt whitman

i adore this quote. it basically describes my life.
now, i feel that i need to qualify that statement. one would initally read that and think that i am a hypocrite. being human and imperfect, there are certainly times where i say one thing and do another. but i don't think that is what this is talking about. it's more of a paradox, where two seemingly contradictory statements actually makse sense.

it's laughing while you cry,
crying while you laugh,
feeling joy in the middle of sadness,
finding beauty in brokeness.

it makes me think of a david crowder song, "beautiful collision". one of the lines is, "the heart breaking makes a sound, beautiful and loud."

how is a broken heart beautiful? that's not what most people would think of. they would think of pain, sadness, lonliness, and other negative things. but not beauty. so try looking at it a different way. it's beautiful to be able to look around at the pain and suffering in the world have it break your heart because it breaks God's heart. you begin to see that the sin in the work has hurt people and messed everything up, but God still loves them beyond anything that we could imagine.

it is so beautiful to know that when everything and everyone has hurt you and let you down, and you feel totally and utterly forsaken, God is there. and suddenly, it doesn't hurt as much.

i keep trying to explain exactly what i am feeling and thinking so that it makes sense, but i can't. i just seem to earase line after line, and keep deletign paragraphs. and i realized that it is because i can't make sense of this. you can't look at it from the world's point of view. if you aren't in love with God, you wouldn't understand how i can ask God to do what ever it takes, however horrible that may be, to make some one see Him, and still say that i love that person. you wouldn't understand why i would ask God to break my heart with what breaks His. and you wouldn't understand why i would pray that i die to myself every day, asking for help in making others the focus of my life. you wouldn't understand any of this, because you would be looking at it from the world's point of view.

but if you look at it in view of God's mercy, then God is all that matters.

i lose sight of that so much, that nothing but God really counts. but every now and then, i get a glimps of what that means and there is nothing more glorious.