ocean in a bottle

erin brought be back some of the ocean from when she was in mexico. she handed me a bag of sand, a bundle of shells, and a bottle of ocean water. i love the ocean and miss it terribly, which is why she brought those things back for me. i put them in a jar, so i can have my own little ocean to look at and appreciate.

the thing is, as wonderful as my ocean in a bottle is, it isn't even comparable to the actually ocean. you can't capture the depth, the vastness, the beauty, the power, the life of the ocean in a little glass jar. my shells are beautiful, but there are so many more out there! and the little bit of sand i have is great, but it isn't the same as the beach. you can't walk along it, build castles with it, and truly enjoy it in the same way.

do you ever think that maybe we have God in a bottle? we cannot contain Gods power, depth, beauty, vastness, and movement within ourselves. He is too big to fit inside of our heads and hearts. isn't that amazingly encouraging? He is so much bigger than us! how could i trust a god that i could conceive? so every now and then we get to go to the beach. we experience God in a new, exciting, magnificent way. and then we bring back a little to remind us of what we experienced. my ocean in a bottle is nothing compared to the real ocean. however, it reminds me of what i have experienced and witnessed. it is a reminder of sorts, and that makes it precious.

i pretend to be artistic

i took pictures! because i got a camera for christmas.

parking deck

today i danced with You
on the empty top floor of a parking deck
when the morning mist still hung in the air.

We sang and danced and simply existed. together.
i breathed You in, cold winter air.
You ran through my reins
as my heart beat in time to Our song.

i sounded my yawp
and You echoed it in the wind,
sending it through the world we overlooked.

and in the soft light of the rising sun,
i was fully loved by You
and i was beautiful,
because You were with me.

family and crazy hats

a lot of my extended family came down to visit this weekend, and it was wonderful to get to see them all. they had come for my aunt’s surprise party, and then we celebrated my grandparent’s 45 wedding anniversary. that is very typical of my family: always having some sort of party. We have some of the weirdest traditions, like getting a crazy hat to wear on your birthday. If you ever wish to see our collection, feel free to ask. the ridiculousness of it is quite impressive.

on Sunday night, at the anniversary dinner, everyone was giving toasts. it started out serious, with my grandparents each saying something about their marriage and family, and then turned into a joke to see how many toasts could be given. (my cousin ryan wins the award by dramatically standing up and announcing, “you all are looking at me right now,” and sitting down again.) but what I began to realize that my grandparents have taught me is just how important family is.

for as long as I can remember, my grandmother has wanted nothing more than a picture of all of her grand children for christmas. when I was little, this only meant another painful session at the Picture People. but she truly doesn’t want anything more than to be with her family. at the surprise party for my aunt, she was so excited to see all of her siblings, nieces, nephews, even her great aunt. but the most beautiful thing was watching my grandfather in the background, as everyone hugged and squealed and said their hello’s, tearing up at the sight of his family together.

my grandparents have gone through some really hard times with their families growing up, in their marriage, with their children, and now with their nieces, nephews, and grandchildren. It certainly hasn’t been easy. but family isn’t something that you can get rid of. they are always there, and they may not show it but they always love. I think that is something that we tend to forget and undervalue.

yay pictures!

on a note totally unrelated to the pictures below, i would just like to say that it is cold. :) i am happy.

walking

you always hear people talk about their walk with God or walking with other christians, but so many times i think that we use that as one of our ready made church phrases that we can use, but have never taken the time to understand. i was walking to class today with a friend and i started to think about what it means to walk with someone. 

when you walk beside someone, it isn't just something that happens. there are so many little things to think about. you have to set a pace, one that you both are comfortable with. and you must agree on a destination, otherwise you either run into each other or begin to walk away. sometimes you only walk part of the way with someone, and then your paths split. does one person slow down so that the other can cross and front and go on their way, or does the person cross behind their companion? when you come to a door, does one person hold the door open for the other, or do they walk through themselves and pause to make sure the other has the door? 

then there are those funny situations that occur when people you don't know are walking around you. have you ever gotten stuck behind a slow walker when you have somewhere to be? it is one of the most frustrating things. today, a girl very slowly started walking in front of my friend and me, reading a newspaper as she walked. we had no way around her, and she was oblivious to the fact that we were there. 

walking with people is an experience. my mother always told me to walk with a purpose, to know where you are going and get yourself there. but then, sometimes the best experiences come from when you get lost or are just having fun. sometimes you need to have an adventure, and go on a walk with no planned destination to see where you end up. 

walking with someone implies a relationship. it is dynamic, always changing. it is an experience. often times, walking with someone makes you more conscious of them, and what they want. 

more random picture taking

some day, i will get a nice camera, and it will be fun. i really like taking pictures of things up close; finding a small part of a big thing and seeing it as beautiful. 

north campus

there is a tree on north campus near the chapel that has people's initials carved in it. i thought that it was cute. 

stars

so i went on a retreat this weekend with the ministry i have been getting involved in (ccf). it was awesome. it was cool to have some time to rest in Go'd's presence after having a very hectic week, and i got to build some amazing relationships. but one of the coolest things was star gazing at night.

a few of us went down to a field that was out of sight from the cabin lights. we were in north georgia, in the mountains, so there was no other light pollution. we lay in the field and just looked up at the sky. i honestly don't think that i have ever seen so many stars in my life. it was absolutely captivating, and such an impressive display of God's glory. i also saw several shooting stars.

i started to think a lot about the light pollution in my life; the light that is so close and bright that you can't see much light in the distance. i am always surrounded by thoughts of what i need to do, how i feel, how i think someone perceives me, and basically anything that has to do with me. i surround myself so much with of my own light, that i can't see very many stars. i can't see the people around me that are so brilliant and beautiful. i miss out on relationships, and fail to see God reflected in other's lives because i can't see past myself.

so what would happen if i could step out of myself, my light pollution, and look around. how many people would i be able to truly see for the first time?

little things

i randomly started taking some pictures around my building because i like editing stuff on iphoto. it was fun. yay. 

random

have you ever noticed that at the bottom of each post, where the comment thingy is, it will say 1 comments? does the grammatical incorrectness of that not bother anyone else? 

alive

why do the words escape my grasp?

i reach and strive for them,

lunge and chase after them, 

trying to express this.... thing.

ache?

longing?

swell?

how do i describe to you how it feels

for a heart to cry out to God?

i want to say it hurts,

but it doesn't. 

it feels as though something so much bigger

than my human heart

has been placed inside my chest.

and this thing is alive, 

pulsing through my veins.

and it feels with such passion,

at the core of its being

(which has become the essence of my being.)

a tumult of emotions:

a grief stronger

than i knew i could feel,

a joy far beyond

my frail understanding.

peace, calm, rejoicing, sorrow-

consuming me in flames,

burning my selfish ambition.

refining me. 

making me terribly and wonderfully...

alive.

post secret

so i got this from the post secret website. i thought it was kind of something cool to think about.

first real paper

so i have now written my first real  paper in college. it was for my religion class. the assignment was to write about your on beliefs using religiology (which breaks down religion into different sections to better understand a system of beliefs). i thought it was pretty cool, although it took me a lot longer to write than i had anticipated. it was cool to sit down and have to define what i believe. i also got excited because i was explaining something, i would think of scriptural support to use. it was cool to see that even though i don't know God's word nearly as well as i should, i can still back up what i believe with it.

basically what religiology does is break things down into a bunch of different categories to see how religion answers different questions. for instance, you could look at how it addresses teleology, which asks what the meaning of life is. i guess the point is that it is good to know what you believe and why. i realize that isn't exactly a new idea to pretty much anyone who may read this, as i don't think many people do. 

the only problem i had with this assignment is that i have classifying my faith as religion. there is something about that word that makes me almost want to rebel. i think that it is because i have seen and heard about so many people that have been hurt by our "religion". it often times is turned into a game almost, and if you can't play it well enough, you get kicked out or wind up being hurt. but that isn't what it was supposed to be. i shouldn't hesitate in some situations to use the word christian to describe myself, but i do. i don't want people to apply so many of the stereotypes that go along with it to me.  i feel like i will automatically be thought of as pushy, judgmental, or hypocritical. is that really the way the church has portrayed its self? it kind of makes me sad to think about.

anyway, these were just things i had been thinking about. now i need to be thinking about how i portray all of those negative things in my life and start fixing that.

i am large. i contain multitudes.

i am confused and have perfect clarity and frustrated and happy and content and restless and longing for something more and excited and scared to death and somehow feeling safe. if only i made sense, even to myself. 

i'm here!

so college is not at all like i expected. and yet kind of what i expected. but then i didn't know really what to expect. i have a giant field right across from my dorm that i love more that i can describe. it's nice to go sit under a tree and read, or play frisbee with people that i don't know (by the way, that whole college kids play frisbee thing is actually true) or just hang out with friends. it's also nice that i have some friends from high school that i have been hanging out with a lot. but we all have meet a few new people that we get along really well with who spend a lot of time with us. its kind of funny, because we have a group forming. and since i am in a suit, and we have a living room, people come hang out in our room a lot. it's cool. i also really like the teachers that i have had so far (i meet two more today). so i think that this year is going to be good, but hard. i know that it least a few of my classes are going to be a lot of work. 

i also think that i am really going to like the wesley foundation (one of the christian ministries). i went to the freshmen night, and i really liked it. everyone seemed sincere and excited that we were there. the upper class-men  seemed to be almost like a family. the atmosphere in general reminded me of altaer. 

another cool thing that i got to do is have worship on a field in north campus. it wasn't hosted by any one group, which was cool. it was just the kind of thing that you show up and leave when you want. you could sit, stand, dance, sing, talk, or basically do whatever. it was a way of starting out the year in fellowship and praise to God. it was also a time for us to be sent into the campus and city. there is a verse in romans that says you have to be sent, and that's what it felt like to me. it was also really cool just to sit in the grass, under the sky, and worship God. it was beautiful to hear the voices. there were no microphones or speakers. just some guitars, a drum, and about 200 voices. 

something hit me during one of the songs. before it, i was a little frustrated with myself because i felt distracted and like i wasn't getting anything out of worship. but as we repeated the line. "i trust in You," i just started crying. but i was at peace. i just kind of sat there and let the tears fall. because i knew. i knew in that moment that this year is going to be hard. and i knew that i was going to have a lot of thing stripped away from me. but like He has been teaching me for the past 6 months, He will be faithful. so even though it is my automatic reaction to start thinking that i am scared and i don't want to go trough this season, that's a lie. i'm not afraid. i'm at peace. if anything, i'm excited. because i think that i'm about to learn a lot. i also know that if i have nothing else, i will have God. He has promised to keep me, and i trust in Him. 

and now i have to go to class.   

different

so as i am about to head off to college (4 days), everyone keeps asking me the same question: are you excited? and i don't know quite how to respond. i am excited, but not as excited as i thought that i would be. i have been wanting to move out and experience living on my own for some time now. and i'm still looking forward to that, but not with the urgency that i used to feel. and i am really excited to meet new people. but i'm dreading having to say good bye to the people that i already know. i have been able to start (or deepen) so many relationships with people over the last year or two, and i am going to desperately miss seeing them regularly. i feel like that one feeling is holding me back from feeling the way i thought that i would right now. so i don't really know the point of this post. i guess i was just bored. 

confused

do you ever wonder if you use your fears to rationalize a decision because it is what you want, rather than just surrendering it to God? but i also think that sometimes we have certains fears, or the very least anxiaties, that are put in our hearts by God to help guide us. so how do you tell which is which? now i realize that the answer to that is that you pray about it. however i seem to like to cling to the feeling that i am completely responsible for every decision. and even though i pray about it and i tuely want God's imput/guidence/ability to take control when i am stupid and can only see what is directly infront of my face, rather than what is in the future, i still seem to be grasping for control. i will feel overwhelmed by a decision, but i some times think that it is supposed to be that way. if it is a big decision, isn't it natural to freak out over it? but i know that i don't need to. there is a verse in philipians that says not to worry about anything, but to pray about everything. God has promised me a peace beyond my understanding if i can just manage to let go and let Him take control. and that feeling that i should be freaking out is completely something of the world because it is directly contradicted in the word. i know this, but i still see, rather incapeable of relinquishing the ever sought after control. so basically, i don't know how people put up with me when i seem to thuroughly frustrate myself. i do have the amazing ability to be completely irrational. by the way, this is totally just me ranting. if you read this and are now as confused as i am, i apologize. actually, if you read this at all, i apologize. now if you are one of those people who lets their gaze wander down the page and randomly picks out words, and happen to see enough to know that you don't need to read this, i congratulate you on saving time. and at this point, i am rambling and should probably shut up now.

shhhh...

why does it seem so hard to listen sometimes? i can try to be quiet and hear God's voice, but my own thoughts are screaming too loudly. it gets rather annoying.

costa rica

i just got home from costa rica and i am now ready to go back. it may very well be the most beautiful place in the world. every morning the clouds are beautiful and low, so they come down and cover the tops of the mountains that are absolutly everywhere that you look. it is... breath taking. and the culture is amazing. i loved it. there is such a sense of community there. it's sad, because you can see a giant hole that is waiting for God to fill it in the culture, but it is still beautiful.

i'm not going to tell about everything that we did right now, because it would take forever and i'm sure you would stop reading about a third of the way through. if you want to hear details, i would love to hang out with you and tell stories. just be warned that i may not shut up. :)

there are a couple of thing that i want to write about, though. both are more things that i learned that stories. i learned a lot about how faithfull God is just throught the entire process of this trip. it started and winter camp when diego (the missionary that we worked with) was the speaker. he told a lot about his life. to sum it up, God would tell him to go somewhere and he would go, trusting that God would provide the means of getting there. well, God told me to go to costa rica. but i was freaking out about getting enough money to pay for it. despite that, i said yes. my parents paid the deposit, and God used sponsors to provude more money than i was required to raise. it was awesome and an encouraging way to start the trip. He was also faithful when i had to give my testimony. i had been thinking about it and had a general idea of what God wanted me to say. the problem was that when i tried to write it out, it took up three pages of me rambling, and when i tried to go through it in my head, i couldn't seem to form coherent sentences. so when aaron told me that i was going to give my testimony the first time, my stomach natrurally tied its seld into knots and i was sort of freaking out. so i got up there with out knowing what i was going to say and some how spoke without stumbling and rambling. clearly, they weren't my own words because i didn't have any. He provided people for the kid's camps and youth services when we thought that no one would come. He also gave me comfort and support through His word when i needed it. God was so faithfull on this trip, and it was really encouraging for me. i've been freaking out a little since i'm about to go to college. i'm so afraid that i will lose faith when i'm there. but God showed me through this trip that He will be faithfull.

i also learned a lot about encouragement. it was awesome to go and lend support to the local churches and programs that are in the guanecate area right now. we were in charge of the sunday service and a local church the first sunday that we were there, and the pastor started to thank us for what we were doing. He said that in their culture, it is so rare to see teenagers who truely love God and wish to serve Him. the pastor also said that it gave him hope that the youth in that community can come to love God as well. two guys who were Christians and came to the youth camp we held also got up the last day and said that it was encouraging and refreshing for them to have that time immersed in God and seeing us share our faith. that was really exciting. but that wasn't all. we were encouraged by them. at the church that i mentioned earlier in this paragraph, i got to help with the sunday school for little kids. the woman that usually do it were there with us to help out. they didn't speak any english and i don't speak any spanish, but every now and then, while the kids were decorating hearts, we would glance at each other and they would give me the most welcoming smile. it was clear that they really cared about me and appreciated that i was there, even though they didn't know me. we also got to help out at a youth group and were greatly encouraged by some of the guys there. there were two guys in their band who spoke english and were just really friendly. there was another guy who seemed to take charge a lot who didn't speak english, but clearly was in love with God. it was great to see these guys reach out to a community where it is frowned upon to live out your faith. the intire trip was like that. wether is was a smile, a conversation, or just some one's laugh, we were constantly being encouraged.

it basically was an amazing trip and i would love to tell more stories if you want to hear them. so call me or e-mail me or something.