profundity

i want to write something, but i'm not sure what. i want it to be profound and life changing. a good poem, perhaps, that moves someone to tears or makes someone seriously reconsider a part of their life. i want to teach some great piece of wisdom to anyone who happens to read this, something that they will pass down through generations. i want to some how leave a mark on someones life. but i don't want it to be a scar. anyone can leave a scar. why, people wound each other with out even realizing it. we all walk around with these gaping wounds that we try to keep out of sight. but i want to write something that heals. i want to fix that wound and stop the hurt. the problem is that i don't have anything profound to say, so that's not really going to happen in this post.

i think that so many days, i walk around and feel like i have done absolutly nothing in people's lives. i feel like i have this amazing love and joy and healing in God and that i should be spreading it to every one that i know, so they don't have to hurt any more. but i look at the lives of people that i have known for years and i don't really see much healing. it often times feels like i am failing them. now i'm leaving for college after this summer. it kind of scares me that there are people i know that i won't see or talk to very much next year who are still so broken. how can i heal them it i'm not there? and then i have to realize how self centered that is, because it's not me doing the healing. it's God. but i still feel like i should be doing more and i'm not always sure how, or even if i can. it gets kind of frustrating sometimes.

and there are times when i think that it's because i'm not fully healed my self. how am i expected to help others when i am still struggling. well, quite frankly, that's crap. i know that God uses our weaknesses. in our brokeness, He is complete. but it's one thing to know that and believe it, and another thing to truly feel it in your heart. that might not even make much sense. i don't know.

could that be the problem? that i don't know? for instance, i feel like God wants to show one of my friends what a father truely is because i feel like his did was never much of a father to him. the problem is that i don't necissarily have the deepest relationship with this person, so i don't know anything about his relationship with his dad. i think his parents are divorced, but i'm not even sure about that. i just don't know, which makes starting a conversation about it rather awkward.

well, for someone who doesn't really know what to say, i managed to write a bit. i'm not sure if anything is profound or life changing, but maybe that isn't my job. maybe i'm just supposed to be here, and trust that God is doing something.