*epiphany*

so i have been thinking a bit about college recently, probably because i have orientation the next two days, and this is what i came up with:

i'm scared.

i'm not scared that i won't make friends or fit in or anything like that. those things only make me nervouse, but not scared.

i think that i'm primarily afraid of two things. the first being that i will fall away from God. i've seen it happen to so many people and i've seen how it affects the people around them. i'm at a point right now where i'm realizing how much i need God. and it's not for any particular thing. i just need Him with me all of the time. and i love that! i love the feeling of having my God with me all of the time and the comfot that i get just from knowing that He is there. so i don't want to lose that feeling. i want to hold onto it as long as i can.

but the main thing that i'm afraid of is that it's going to hurt. that is an awkward statement, i realize, so let me explain. i have always desired sympathy and empathy. it's something that i've always seemed to want, even when i was little. it is also something that i have prayed that God blesses me with, and He has, even though i often times lose sight of it. i can understand what paul was talking about in 2 corinthians 11:9 when he says, "Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?" when i see people who are hurting or engulfed is sin, or just far away from God, it breaks my heart.

i've been pretty sheltered through out college. if you know me, you probably won't argue with that. i'm aware of some of the crap that went on in high school, but i wasn't surrounded by it very much. actually, a lot of my friends are chirstians. but i'm not going to have my little protective bubble in college. i'm going to see all of the ways that people try to fill the void that only God can, and i know that it will break my heart. so i'm afraid that my heart will hurt all of the time and that i will lose sight of God's goodness and the joy that He gives me.

now for the epiphany part. during the bible study today we were going through the first part of ephisians schapter 3. verse 7 says, "I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power." paul also talked a lot about his sufferings for Christ in this passage. so maybe this is my suffering for Christ: that i feel other's pain. i serve Him by truely caring for others. but it is by the gift of His grace that i can do this, and i serve His gospel, the news that Christ has won the battle. so yes, emotionally it will be painful. but if i rejoice that i am counted worthy to suffer, then it's all worth it. so i don't really need to be afraid.

i'm not sure if that actually explained anything or made sense. i guess what i mean it that i will welcome having my heart break for others, and that i will do it with joy, because my God is a wonderfull, good, big, paradoxical God. and hopefully i will be able to look back and read this during the year so that i won't lose sight of this. well, actually, it will most likely be so that i can remind myself when i do inevitably lose sight of this.

really good song

"God Of This City - Chris Tomlin" Lyrics

You're the God of this city
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You Are

For there is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things are still to come
And greater things are still to be done here

You're the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You're the King above all Kings
You Are
You're the strength in our weakness
You're the love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness
You Are

Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be doneI
n this city
Where glory shines from hearts alive
With praise for you and love for you
In this city

Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things are still to come
And greater things are still to be done

contradictions

do i contradict myself?
very well then, i contradict myself.
i am large.
i contain multitudes.
-walt whitman

i adore this quote. it basically describes my life.
now, i feel that i need to qualify that statement. one would initally read that and think that i am a hypocrite. being human and imperfect, there are certainly times where i say one thing and do another. but i don't think that is what this is talking about. it's more of a paradox, where two seemingly contradictory statements actually makse sense.

it's laughing while you cry,
crying while you laugh,
feeling joy in the middle of sadness,
finding beauty in brokeness.

it makes me think of a david crowder song, "beautiful collision". one of the lines is, "the heart breaking makes a sound, beautiful and loud."

how is a broken heart beautiful? that's not what most people would think of. they would think of pain, sadness, lonliness, and other negative things. but not beauty. so try looking at it a different way. it's beautiful to be able to look around at the pain and suffering in the world have it break your heart because it breaks God's heart. you begin to see that the sin in the work has hurt people and messed everything up, but God still loves them beyond anything that we could imagine.

it is so beautiful to know that when everything and everyone has hurt you and let you down, and you feel totally and utterly forsaken, God is there. and suddenly, it doesn't hurt as much.

i keep trying to explain exactly what i am feeling and thinking so that it makes sense, but i can't. i just seem to earase line after line, and keep deletign paragraphs. and i realized that it is because i can't make sense of this. you can't look at it from the world's point of view. if you aren't in love with God, you wouldn't understand how i can ask God to do what ever it takes, however horrible that may be, to make some one see Him, and still say that i love that person. you wouldn't understand why i would ask God to break my heart with what breaks His. and you wouldn't understand why i would pray that i die to myself every day, asking for help in making others the focus of my life. you wouldn't understand any of this, because you would be looking at it from the world's point of view.

but if you look at it in view of God's mercy, then God is all that matters.

i lose sight of that so much, that nothing but God really counts. but every now and then, i get a glimps of what that means and there is nothing more glorious.