i am large. i contain multitudes.

i am confused and have perfect clarity and frustrated and happy and content and restless and longing for something more and excited and scared to death and somehow feeling safe. if only i made sense, even to myself. 

i'm here!

so college is not at all like i expected. and yet kind of what i expected. but then i didn't know really what to expect. i have a giant field right across from my dorm that i love more that i can describe. it's nice to go sit under a tree and read, or play frisbee with people that i don't know (by the way, that whole college kids play frisbee thing is actually true) or just hang out with friends. it's also nice that i have some friends from high school that i have been hanging out with a lot. but we all have meet a few new people that we get along really well with who spend a lot of time with us. its kind of funny, because we have a group forming. and since i am in a suit, and we have a living room, people come hang out in our room a lot. it's cool. i also really like the teachers that i have had so far (i meet two more today). so i think that this year is going to be good, but hard. i know that it least a few of my classes are going to be a lot of work. 

i also think that i am really going to like the wesley foundation (one of the christian ministries). i went to the freshmen night, and i really liked it. everyone seemed sincere and excited that we were there. the upper class-men  seemed to be almost like a family. the atmosphere in general reminded me of altaer. 

another cool thing that i got to do is have worship on a field in north campus. it wasn't hosted by any one group, which was cool. it was just the kind of thing that you show up and leave when you want. you could sit, stand, dance, sing, talk, or basically do whatever. it was a way of starting out the year in fellowship and praise to God. it was also a time for us to be sent into the campus and city. there is a verse in romans that says you have to be sent, and that's what it felt like to me. it was also really cool just to sit in the grass, under the sky, and worship God. it was beautiful to hear the voices. there were no microphones or speakers. just some guitars, a drum, and about 200 voices. 

something hit me during one of the songs. before it, i was a little frustrated with myself because i felt distracted and like i wasn't getting anything out of worship. but as we repeated the line. "i trust in You," i just started crying. but i was at peace. i just kind of sat there and let the tears fall. because i knew. i knew in that moment that this year is going to be hard. and i knew that i was going to have a lot of thing stripped away from me. but like He has been teaching me for the past 6 months, He will be faithful. so even though it is my automatic reaction to start thinking that i am scared and i don't want to go trough this season, that's a lie. i'm not afraid. i'm at peace. if anything, i'm excited. because i think that i'm about to learn a lot. i also know that if i have nothing else, i will have God. He has promised to keep me, and i trust in Him. 

and now i have to go to class.   

different

so as i am about to head off to college (4 days), everyone keeps asking me the same question: are you excited? and i don't know quite how to respond. i am excited, but not as excited as i thought that i would be. i have been wanting to move out and experience living on my own for some time now. and i'm still looking forward to that, but not with the urgency that i used to feel. and i am really excited to meet new people. but i'm dreading having to say good bye to the people that i already know. i have been able to start (or deepen) so many relationships with people over the last year or two, and i am going to desperately miss seeing them regularly. i feel like that one feeling is holding me back from feeling the way i thought that i would right now. so i don't really know the point of this post. i guess i was just bored. 

confused

do you ever wonder if you use your fears to rationalize a decision because it is what you want, rather than just surrendering it to God? but i also think that sometimes we have certains fears, or the very least anxiaties, that are put in our hearts by God to help guide us. so how do you tell which is which? now i realize that the answer to that is that you pray about it. however i seem to like to cling to the feeling that i am completely responsible for every decision. and even though i pray about it and i tuely want God's imput/guidence/ability to take control when i am stupid and can only see what is directly infront of my face, rather than what is in the future, i still seem to be grasping for control. i will feel overwhelmed by a decision, but i some times think that it is supposed to be that way. if it is a big decision, isn't it natural to freak out over it? but i know that i don't need to. there is a verse in philipians that says not to worry about anything, but to pray about everything. God has promised me a peace beyond my understanding if i can just manage to let go and let Him take control. and that feeling that i should be freaking out is completely something of the world because it is directly contradicted in the word. i know this, but i still see, rather incapeable of relinquishing the ever sought after control. so basically, i don't know how people put up with me when i seem to thuroughly frustrate myself. i do have the amazing ability to be completely irrational. by the way, this is totally just me ranting. if you read this and are now as confused as i am, i apologize. actually, if you read this at all, i apologize. now if you are one of those people who lets their gaze wander down the page and randomly picks out words, and happen to see enough to know that you don't need to read this, i congratulate you on saving time. and at this point, i am rambling and should probably shut up now.