so i have been thinking a bit about college recently, probably because i have orientation the next two days, and this is what i came up with:
i'm scared.
i'm not scared that i won't make friends or fit in or anything like that. those things only make me nervouse, but not scared.
i think that i'm primarily afraid of two things. the first being that i will fall away from God. i've seen it happen to so many people and i've seen how it affects the people around them. i'm at a point right now where i'm realizing how much i need God. and it's not for any particular thing. i just need Him with me all of the time. and i love that! i love the feeling of having my God with me all of the time and the comfot that i get just from knowing that He is there. so i don't want to lose that feeling. i want to hold onto it as long as i can.
but the main thing that i'm afraid of is that it's going to hurt. that is an awkward statement, i realize, so let me explain. i have always desired sympathy and empathy. it's something that i've always seemed to want, even when i was little. it is also something that i have prayed that God blesses me with, and He has, even though i often times lose sight of it. i can understand what paul was talking about in 2 corinthians 11:9 when he says, "Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?" when i see people who are hurting or engulfed is sin, or just far away from God, it breaks my heart.
i've been pretty sheltered through out college. if you know me, you probably won't argue with that. i'm aware of some of the crap that went on in high school, but i wasn't surrounded by it very much. actually, a lot of my friends are chirstians. but i'm not going to have my little protective bubble in college. i'm going to see all of the ways that people try to fill the void that only God can, and i know that it will break my heart. so i'm afraid that my heart will hurt all of the time and that i will lose sight of God's goodness and the joy that He gives me.
now for the epiphany part. during the bible study today we were going through the first part of ephisians schapter 3. verse 7 says, "I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power." paul also talked a lot about his sufferings for Christ in this passage. so maybe this is my suffering for Christ: that i feel other's pain. i serve Him by truely caring for others. but it is by the gift of His grace that i can do this, and i serve His gospel, the news that Christ has won the battle. so yes, emotionally it will be painful. but if i rejoice that i am counted worthy to suffer, then it's all worth it. so i don't really need to be afraid.
i'm not sure if that actually explained anything or made sense. i guess what i mean it that i will welcome having my heart break for others, and that i will do it with joy, because my God is a wonderfull, good, big, paradoxical God. and hopefully i will be able to look back and read this during the year so that i won't lose sight of this. well, actually, it will most likely be so that i can remind myself when i do inevitably lose sight of this.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
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