so i have been thinking a bit about college recently, probably because i have orientation the next two days, and this is what i came up with:
i'm scared.
i'm not scared that i won't make friends or fit in or anything like that. those things only make me nervouse, but not scared.
i think that i'm primarily afraid of two things. the first being that i will fall away from God. i've seen it happen to so many people and i've seen how it affects the people around them. i'm at a point right now where i'm realizing how much i need God. and it's not for any particular thing. i just need Him with me all of the time. and i love that! i love the feeling of having my God with me all of the time and the comfot that i get just from knowing that He is there. so i don't want to lose that feeling. i want to hold onto it as long as i can.
but the main thing that i'm afraid of is that it's going to hurt. that is an awkward statement, i realize, so let me explain. i have always desired sympathy and empathy. it's something that i've always seemed to want, even when i was little. it is also something that i have prayed that God blesses me with, and He has, even though i often times lose sight of it. i can understand what paul was talking about in 2 corinthians 11:9 when he says, "Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?" when i see people who are hurting or engulfed is sin, or just far away from God, it breaks my heart.
i've been pretty sheltered through out college. if you know me, you probably won't argue with that. i'm aware of some of the crap that went on in high school, but i wasn't surrounded by it very much. actually, a lot of my friends are chirstians. but i'm not going to have my little protective bubble in college. i'm going to see all of the ways that people try to fill the void that only God can, and i know that it will break my heart. so i'm afraid that my heart will hurt all of the time and that i will lose sight of God's goodness and the joy that He gives me.
now for the epiphany part. during the bible study today we were going through the first part of ephisians schapter 3. verse 7 says, "I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power." paul also talked a lot about his sufferings for Christ in this passage. so maybe this is my suffering for Christ: that i feel other's pain. i serve Him by truely caring for others. but it is by the gift of His grace that i can do this, and i serve His gospel, the news that Christ has won the battle. so yes, emotionally it will be painful. but if i rejoice that i am counted worthy to suffer, then it's all worth it. so i don't really need to be afraid.
i'm not sure if that actually explained anything or made sense. i guess what i mean it that i will welcome having my heart break for others, and that i will do it with joy, because my God is a wonderfull, good, big, paradoxical God. and hopefully i will be able to look back and read this during the year so that i won't lose sight of this. well, actually, it will most likely be so that i can remind myself when i do inevitably lose sight of this.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
really good song
"God Of This City - Chris Tomlin" Lyrics
You're the God of this city
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You Are
For there is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things are still to come
And greater things are still to be done here
You're the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You're the King above all Kings
You Are
You're the strength in our weakness
You're the love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness
You Are
Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be doneI
n this city
Where glory shines from hearts alive
With praise for you and love for you
In this city
Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things are still to come
And greater things are still to be done
You're the God of this city
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You Are
For there is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things are still to come
And greater things are still to be done here
You're the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You're the King above all Kings
You Are
You're the strength in our weakness
You're the love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness
You Are
Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be doneI
n this city
Where glory shines from hearts alive
With praise for you and love for you
In this city
Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things are still to come
And greater things are still to be done
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
contradictions
do i contradict myself?
very well then, i contradict myself.
i am large.
i contain multitudes.
-walt whitman
i adore this quote. it basically describes my life.
now, i feel that i need to qualify that statement. one would initally read that and think that i am a hypocrite. being human and imperfect, there are certainly times where i say one thing and do another. but i don't think that is what this is talking about. it's more of a paradox, where two seemingly contradictory statements actually makse sense.
it's laughing while you cry,
crying while you laugh,
feeling joy in the middle of sadness,
finding beauty in brokeness.
it makes me think of a david crowder song, "beautiful collision". one of the lines is, "the heart breaking makes a sound, beautiful and loud."
how is a broken heart beautiful? that's not what most people would think of. they would think of pain, sadness, lonliness, and other negative things. but not beauty. so try looking at it a different way. it's beautiful to be able to look around at the pain and suffering in the world have it break your heart because it breaks God's heart. you begin to see that the sin in the work has hurt people and messed everything up, but God still loves them beyond anything that we could imagine.
it is so beautiful to know that when everything and everyone has hurt you and let you down, and you feel totally and utterly forsaken, God is there. and suddenly, it doesn't hurt as much.
i keep trying to explain exactly what i am feeling and thinking so that it makes sense, but i can't. i just seem to earase line after line, and keep deletign paragraphs. and i realized that it is because i can't make sense of this. you can't look at it from the world's point of view. if you aren't in love with God, you wouldn't understand how i can ask God to do what ever it takes, however horrible that may be, to make some one see Him, and still say that i love that person. you wouldn't understand why i would ask God to break my heart with what breaks His. and you wouldn't understand why i would pray that i die to myself every day, asking for help in making others the focus of my life. you wouldn't understand any of this, because you would be looking at it from the world's point of view.
but if you look at it in view of God's mercy, then God is all that matters.
i lose sight of that so much, that nothing but God really counts. but every now and then, i get a glimps of what that means and there is nothing more glorious.
very well then, i contradict myself.
i am large.
i contain multitudes.
-walt whitman
i adore this quote. it basically describes my life.
now, i feel that i need to qualify that statement. one would initally read that and think that i am a hypocrite. being human and imperfect, there are certainly times where i say one thing and do another. but i don't think that is what this is talking about. it's more of a paradox, where two seemingly contradictory statements actually makse sense.
it's laughing while you cry,
crying while you laugh,
feeling joy in the middle of sadness,
finding beauty in brokeness.
it makes me think of a david crowder song, "beautiful collision". one of the lines is, "the heart breaking makes a sound, beautiful and loud."
how is a broken heart beautiful? that's not what most people would think of. they would think of pain, sadness, lonliness, and other negative things. but not beauty. so try looking at it a different way. it's beautiful to be able to look around at the pain and suffering in the world have it break your heart because it breaks God's heart. you begin to see that the sin in the work has hurt people and messed everything up, but God still loves them beyond anything that we could imagine.
it is so beautiful to know that when everything and everyone has hurt you and let you down, and you feel totally and utterly forsaken, God is there. and suddenly, it doesn't hurt as much.
i keep trying to explain exactly what i am feeling and thinking so that it makes sense, but i can't. i just seem to earase line after line, and keep deletign paragraphs. and i realized that it is because i can't make sense of this. you can't look at it from the world's point of view. if you aren't in love with God, you wouldn't understand how i can ask God to do what ever it takes, however horrible that may be, to make some one see Him, and still say that i love that person. you wouldn't understand why i would ask God to break my heart with what breaks His. and you wouldn't understand why i would pray that i die to myself every day, asking for help in making others the focus of my life. you wouldn't understand any of this, because you would be looking at it from the world's point of view.
but if you look at it in view of God's mercy, then God is all that matters.
i lose sight of that so much, that nothing but God really counts. but every now and then, i get a glimps of what that means and there is nothing more glorious.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Work Crew
work crew was this weekend. it was amazing. i had never been to sharp top cove before, but it is beautiful. i love the mountains. maybe i will live there some day. i was on the am cook crew, which was a lot of work, but good. it was great, because after spending about 8 hours in the kitchen, josh, josh, chelsea, and i waded in a little stream and explored the woods a little. i spent some time in the stream with erin too, wich was nice. and laying in the grass. it was cool, because after working pretty hard, it was nice to just be. and know that He is God. i don't think that we do that enough. but i'm not sure if i would have had the energy to keep working in the kitchen that night and the next day if i couldn't just be with God.
it was also great to be with some of the college guys. i didn't realize how much i missed them untill they were back. and it's kind of funny, because i was never really close to some of them. and i didn't have a chance to talk for extended periods of time with some of them. it was just nice to have them around, to be there with them.
i think that is how i feel about God some times. you don't always have to be in the middle of a conversation with him, or be reading the Bible, or journaling something. i mean, those are all good things, don't get me wrong. and we should do them, but we also need to stop and just be with Him. never under estimate the power of a comfortable silence.
To change the subject, I was thinking about Spoon River Anthology, wich is one of my favorite books. these are possible two of my favorite poems in the book.
16. Reuben Pantier
WELL, Emily Sparks, your prayers were not wasted,
Your love was not all in vain.
I owe whatever I was in life
To your hope that would not give me up,
To your love that saw me still as good.
5
Dear Emily Sparks, let me tell you the story.
I pass the effect of my father and mother;
The milliner’s daughter made me trouble
And out I went in the world,
Where I passed through every peril known
10
Of wine and women and joy of life.
One night, in a room in the Rue de Rivoli,
I was drinking wine with a black-eyed cocotte,
And the tears swam into my eyes.
She thought they were amorous tears and smiled
15
For thought of her conquest over me.
But my soul was three thousand miles away,
In the days when you taught me in Spoon River.
And just because you no more could love me,
Nor pray for me, nor write me letters,
20
The eternal silence of you spoke instead.
And the black-eyed cocotte took the tears for hers,
As well as the deceiving kisses I gave her.
Somehow, from that hour, I had a new vision—
Dear Emily Sparks!
17. Emily Sparks
WHERE is my boy, my boy—
In what far part of the world?
The boy I loved best of all in the school?—
I, the teacher, the old maid, the virgin heart,
Who made them all my children.
5
Did I know my boy aright,
Thinking of him as spirit aflame,
Active, ever aspiring?
Oh, boy, boy, for whom I prayed and prayed
In many a watchful hour at night,
10
Do you remember the letter I wrote you
Of the beautiful love of Christ?
And whether you ever took it or not,
My boy, wherever you are,
Work for your soul’s sake,
15
That all the clay of you, all of the dross of you,
May yield to the fire of you,
Till the fire is nothing but light!...
Nothing but light!
it was also great to be with some of the college guys. i didn't realize how much i missed them untill they were back. and it's kind of funny, because i was never really close to some of them. and i didn't have a chance to talk for extended periods of time with some of them. it was just nice to have them around, to be there with them.
i think that is how i feel about God some times. you don't always have to be in the middle of a conversation with him, or be reading the Bible, or journaling something. i mean, those are all good things, don't get me wrong. and we should do them, but we also need to stop and just be with Him. never under estimate the power of a comfortable silence.
To change the subject, I was thinking about Spoon River Anthology, wich is one of my favorite books. these are possible two of my favorite poems in the book.
16. Reuben Pantier
WELL, Emily Sparks, your prayers were not wasted,
Your love was not all in vain.
I owe whatever I was in life
To your hope that would not give me up,
To your love that saw me still as good.
5
Dear Emily Sparks, let me tell you the story.
I pass the effect of my father and mother;
The milliner’s daughter made me trouble
And out I went in the world,
Where I passed through every peril known
10
Of wine and women and joy of life.
One night, in a room in the Rue de Rivoli,
I was drinking wine with a black-eyed cocotte,
And the tears swam into my eyes.
She thought they were amorous tears and smiled
15
For thought of her conquest over me.
But my soul was three thousand miles away,
In the days when you taught me in Spoon River.
And just because you no more could love me,
Nor pray for me, nor write me letters,
20
The eternal silence of you spoke instead.
And the black-eyed cocotte took the tears for hers,
As well as the deceiving kisses I gave her.
Somehow, from that hour, I had a new vision—
Dear Emily Sparks!
17. Emily Sparks
WHERE is my boy, my boy—
In what far part of the world?
The boy I loved best of all in the school?—
I, the teacher, the old maid, the virgin heart,
Who made them all my children.
5
Did I know my boy aright,
Thinking of him as spirit aflame,
Active, ever aspiring?
Oh, boy, boy, for whom I prayed and prayed
In many a watchful hour at night,
10
Do you remember the letter I wrote you
Of the beautiful love of Christ?
And whether you ever took it or not,
My boy, wherever you are,
Work for your soul’s sake,
15
That all the clay of you, all of the dross of you,
May yield to the fire of you,
Till the fire is nothing but light!...
Nothing but light!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
profundity
i want to write something, but i'm not sure what. i want it to be profound and life changing. a good poem, perhaps, that moves someone to tears or makes someone seriously reconsider a part of their life. i want to teach some great piece of wisdom to anyone who happens to read this, something that they will pass down through generations. i want to some how leave a mark on someones life. but i don't want it to be a scar. anyone can leave a scar. why, people wound each other with out even realizing it. we all walk around with these gaping wounds that we try to keep out of sight. but i want to write something that heals. i want to fix that wound and stop the hurt. the problem is that i don't have anything profound to say, so that's not really going to happen in this post.
i think that so many days, i walk around and feel like i have done absolutly nothing in people's lives. i feel like i have this amazing love and joy and healing in God and that i should be spreading it to every one that i know, so they don't have to hurt any more. but i look at the lives of people that i have known for years and i don't really see much healing. it often times feels like i am failing them. now i'm leaving for college after this summer. it kind of scares me that there are people i know that i won't see or talk to very much next year who are still so broken. how can i heal them it i'm not there? and then i have to realize how self centered that is, because it's not me doing the healing. it's God. but i still feel like i should be doing more and i'm not always sure how, or even if i can. it gets kind of frustrating sometimes.
and there are times when i think that it's because i'm not fully healed my self. how am i expected to help others when i am still struggling. well, quite frankly, that's crap. i know that God uses our weaknesses. in our brokeness, He is complete. but it's one thing to know that and believe it, and another thing to truly feel it in your heart. that might not even make much sense. i don't know.
could that be the problem? that i don't know? for instance, i feel like God wants to show one of my friends what a father truely is because i feel like his did was never much of a father to him. the problem is that i don't necissarily have the deepest relationship with this person, so i don't know anything about his relationship with his dad. i think his parents are divorced, but i'm not even sure about that. i just don't know, which makes starting a conversation about it rather awkward.
well, for someone who doesn't really know what to say, i managed to write a bit. i'm not sure if anything is profound or life changing, but maybe that isn't my job. maybe i'm just supposed to be here, and trust that God is doing something.
i think that so many days, i walk around and feel like i have done absolutly nothing in people's lives. i feel like i have this amazing love and joy and healing in God and that i should be spreading it to every one that i know, so they don't have to hurt any more. but i look at the lives of people that i have known for years and i don't really see much healing. it often times feels like i am failing them. now i'm leaving for college after this summer. it kind of scares me that there are people i know that i won't see or talk to very much next year who are still so broken. how can i heal them it i'm not there? and then i have to realize how self centered that is, because it's not me doing the healing. it's God. but i still feel like i should be doing more and i'm not always sure how, or even if i can. it gets kind of frustrating sometimes.
and there are times when i think that it's because i'm not fully healed my self. how am i expected to help others when i am still struggling. well, quite frankly, that's crap. i know that God uses our weaknesses. in our brokeness, He is complete. but it's one thing to know that and believe it, and another thing to truly feel it in your heart. that might not even make much sense. i don't know.
could that be the problem? that i don't know? for instance, i feel like God wants to show one of my friends what a father truely is because i feel like his did was never much of a father to him. the problem is that i don't necissarily have the deepest relationship with this person, so i don't know anything about his relationship with his dad. i think his parents are divorced, but i'm not even sure about that. i just don't know, which makes starting a conversation about it rather awkward.
well, for someone who doesn't really know what to say, i managed to write a bit. i'm not sure if anything is profound or life changing, but maybe that isn't my job. maybe i'm just supposed to be here, and trust that God is doing something.
Monday, April 14, 2008
daylight
i know this is kind of a older song by brave saint saturn, but i recently discovered it and i really like it.
did you hear the news today i'm not coming home, no and i wished it all away i felt so alone and the darkness crept it's way like stars we know will die too soon there is never any sunrise here in the shadows of eclipsing moons crawling on a tightrope the bravest thing i have is hope
daylight, save me daylight, save me tonight, tonight
halogen, the lights will flicker incadescent burning lies and the silence stands for nothing desperate i search the skies aching for a spark trembling in pitchest dark
Mission Control: U.S.S. Gloria, this is mission control, do you copy? we have lost contact with the U.S.S. Gloria
U.S.S. Gloria: Mission Control, this is the U.S.S. Gloria, do you read me? Mayday, we have lost primary guidance functions
News Reporter: The crew is now out of radio contact. presently there is no way for us to know whether they are alive or dead. our hopes and prayers go out with you all.
Mission Control: U.S.S. Gloria, this is mission control, do you copy?
U.S.S. Gloria: Houston this is the U.S.S. Gloria. good to hear your voice we are coming out of the eclipse now. i see the sunlight. it's beautiful the sunlight is beautiful.
Jesus Christ, Light of the World You never did forget me and when i bled in darkness, You held me still held me when desparate nights i cursed You You loved me, still loved me Jesus Christ, You dry the tears You break my heart of stone Your words are life cut marrow through the darkness, to the bone a heart of flesh You gave me only You can save me
Savior Daylight I am coming home
did you hear the news today i'm not coming home, no and i wished it all away i felt so alone and the darkness crept it's way like stars we know will die too soon there is never any sunrise here in the shadows of eclipsing moons crawling on a tightrope the bravest thing i have is hope
daylight, save me daylight, save me tonight, tonight
halogen, the lights will flicker incadescent burning lies and the silence stands for nothing desperate i search the skies aching for a spark trembling in pitchest dark
Mission Control: U.S.S. Gloria, this is mission control, do you copy? we have lost contact with the U.S.S. Gloria
U.S.S. Gloria: Mission Control, this is the U.S.S. Gloria, do you read me? Mayday, we have lost primary guidance functions
News Reporter: The crew is now out of radio contact. presently there is no way for us to know whether they are alive or dead. our hopes and prayers go out with you all.
Mission Control: U.S.S. Gloria, this is mission control, do you copy?
U.S.S. Gloria: Houston this is the U.S.S. Gloria. good to hear your voice we are coming out of the eclipse now. i see the sunlight. it's beautiful the sunlight is beautiful.
Jesus Christ, Light of the World You never did forget me and when i bled in darkness, You held me still held me when desparate nights i cursed You You loved me, still loved me Jesus Christ, You dry the tears You break my heart of stone Your words are life cut marrow through the darkness, to the bone a heart of flesh You gave me only You can save me
Savior Daylight I am coming home
Saturday, April 12, 2008
God the Father
i was just down in savannah with my mom and brother. at one point, we were sitting on these giant marble steps by the jepson museum of art, waiting for it to open. there were a couple of other people near by also waiting. next to us was a family, the mom, dad, and two little kids. the little girl stood up on the edge of the top step and was so excited that she could see everything around her. then her dad lifted her up and set her down on a lower step and told her that she couldn't stand up there. she threw an absolute fit. the girl started crying and asked her dad why she couldn't stand there and kept saying that she wanted to go back. he told her it was because the ground was hard, the edge was sharp, and it was a long way down. he said that he knew she would fall and didn't want to see her get hurt.
we are so much like that little girl. we climb up onto these dangerous places and are so excited at where we got ourselves. and then God comes along and tells us that we can't be there. we all have a different step that we climb up on top of, whether it is partying, pride, selfishness, lying, greed, or something else. we get so angry at God when He tells us we shouldn't be there. we cry and scream and get angry at Him and always ask the inevitable question:why? and the answer is simple: the ground is hard, the edge is sharp, and it's a long way down. He knows that we will fall, and He wants to protect us. but very much like that little girl, we want our own way. i thought that it was a beautiful picture of God.
we are so much like that little girl. we climb up onto these dangerous places and are so excited at where we got ourselves. and then God comes along and tells us that we can't be there. we all have a different step that we climb up on top of, whether it is partying, pride, selfishness, lying, greed, or something else. we get so angry at God when He tells us we shouldn't be there. we cry and scream and get angry at Him and always ask the inevitable question:why? and the answer is simple: the ground is hard, the edge is sharp, and it's a long way down. He knows that we will fall, and He wants to protect us. but very much like that little girl, we want our own way. i thought that it was a beautiful picture of God.
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